Doubt and Faith and Faith- Dewey Wilbanks

       Going into the pilgrimage  I really didn't know what to expect, except for the fact we were going to be spending some time on the beach and it seemed like the rest of the trip would turn out to be an afterthought. Coming into the pilgrimage with such a predetermined expectation really did me no good and it was somewhat of an reluctant battle to involve myself in the spiritual aspect of the expedition. With that being said once I had finally bought into the most important part of the pilgrimage, the part having to do with faith, I really grew as  a believer.

       Having grown up in an Episcopalian family it was not really my choice to be a part of the Episcopal church, or the church at all, so I never really felt like I had an "awakening" or "full belief" in God. I always heard things in church about why you should be a believer, how much good it will do for you, and why it is right. But what I never heard was what to do if you didn't fully believe, if there never was a complete connection to God, if you never felt him answer prayers, or if you had been influenced by the growing world of Christian doubters that exists outside of the church. With this being as it was I felt completely ostracized by the church because I always wondered and doubted about the true existence of God. I felt like God was angry that I didn't believe in him and therefore would never be able to reach a true connection er him. Because of that, before I became confirmed in a new church, I had to be honest with myself about my true beliefs and I decided to be part of the church not necessarily because I had a very strong connection to God and felt like it was what God had told me to do but instead did it because I saw all the good that Christianity had done for people, but even after being confirmed I still was in the shadow of doubt and never truly felt "accepted" into my religion.          

         The pilgrimage we took changed my way of thinking. I went into the trip being almost  cynical about the upcoming religious awakening that was before us, but this was at no fault of anyone else, it was instead entirely because I was uncomfortable with my own faith. Slowly and slowly I was seated down by my fellow pilgrims recalling their stories of where they had seen God in the day and I even shared my own stories, although at first I viewed them as individual acts of kindness instead of works of God. My pilgrimage really took a turning point when we visited the Evangelical church in Split that was created by an amazing team of true believers whose whole-hearted goal was to help people and improve lives in the name of God, but I will address them in greater detail later. What I saw was people who had worked their entire lives to create a church of God that they felt spoke to them, and they were basking in the glory of God in a more emotional way than I ever had seen. In that church service our guide for the trip and one of the members church, Ken, gave a sermon in English, that was also being translated into Croatian. In this sermon Ken addressed the role of being empty in life and how God treats what is most commonly seen as the worst and most hopeless place a person can be. In the sermon Ken talked about how God is okay with you being empty because being empty is the when God can completely fill you. After the sermon I talked with Ken about my doubts. Hearing a man who has such a strong connection with the Lord talk about how it's okay to have doubts, but most importantly how God appreciates honesty towards him helped me. Having this conversation made me feel so much better because it finally made me feel like it was okay to have these doubts, that I could be part of the church even with my doubts.

       On one of the last days of the pilgrimage, Ken gave us a challenge to find a stone and write down something that is keeping us from strengthening our faith with God or just holding us back in general. We would write it down on a stone and then it would be left behind us in Croatia and we could move on without it. Being very awkward and uncomfortable with addressing my own beliefs towards any group of people, this really appealed to me. On my rock I wrote down, "Fear of never truly believing," the conundrum I've had since I really started to question my religion. It was a very emotional experience because I truly did feel like that was being left behind me in Croatia and that God would take care of the rest. Later that night during evening prayer I confessed my fear to everyone in the group, and after I talked about it Tim looked at me and said, "what you're experiencing is what everyone else here has or is experiencing right now." When he said that it made me feel eve better than when I let that rock go, it finally made me feel like I was part of the church because what I had always gone through is just part of faith.

       I wish I could write about all of my experiences and the most defining one in the trip, but as I'm sure you have realized at this point, brevity is not one of my strengths. This pilgrimage really changed who I am in the church and outside of it, because it finally made me feel like a participator of the church and not just a bystander. I no longer felt guilty or alienated because of how much doubt I had with Christianity and, even though I did not address it in this entry, I realized the power it has in people's lives.